What Does The Research Say?
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“Resilience” has become somewhat of a buzz word in the worlds of parenting and education, but what exactly does the word mean and how can having this trait benefit your child’?
Many understand the term to mean “the ability to cope with change” or “the ability to bounce back from a setback”.
Indeed, in a world that presents both academic and social challenges to our children, having the ability to not only rise to the challenge but also above it is important. Resilience also speaks of social and emotional strength that includes self-awareness, self-management and emotional literacy — skills that will affect your child’s ability to thrive in school and in life.
"With these attributes, students feel more equipped to deal with challenges, more willing to face them and more confident of their abilities and strengths.”
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MS LIM KIT KWAN, EDUCATION PSYCHOLOGIST AND CHILD PROTECTION MANAGER
A: I see having resilience as possessing an appropriate mindset to face and problem-solve uncertainties or difficulties, which are a part of life. Whether it’s with schoolwork, co-curricular activities (CCAs), forming new friendships, learning to work with others or even learning a new hobby, having a resilient mindset will help your child overcome periods of stress and better cope with setbacks he or she may encounter.
For example, as a student progresses from year to year, academic demands will increase and the student may also be expected to take on more responsibilities in his or her CCA. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the increase in workload or expectations, a resilient child will feel more equipped to deal with stressors, overcome them and move on positively.
A: One way to explain resilience to your child is to make this comparison: going through the ups and downs of life is not the same as trying to climb a mountain.
Yes, climbing a mountain can be full of hardships as the journey can be arduous and filled with obstacles, limited resources and, at times, danger. The climber, however, has only one task — to reach the summit. Once that is accomplished, the task or event is considered completed.
Share with your child that life’s challenges are more complex than just managing and resolving a single and isolated occurrence of an event. Life challenges are often long-term, and can even be long-drawn; for example, studying for about 16 years of our lives to get a degree, working to support a family, running a business, etc.
These challenges aren’t necessarily negative, but they constantly require us to problem-solve, face uncertainties or situations where there are no tried-and-tested solutions, manage resources, deal with setbacks and still continue to move on.
Use another simple analogy; help your child understand that triumphing over life’s challenges is similar to running a very long marathon as opposed to running a short race.
A: Resilience is not an easy concept to articulate to a child. It is part of the socio-emotional development of children — the process of teaching or building resilience is part and parcel of their daily lives as they grow up.
Asian parents generally do not talk about feelings or personal difficulties in front of their children. For a start, try to change your mindset and focus on the perspective of your child. Tap on the real-life situations your child has faced to help him or her better understand when resilience comes into play and how important it can be.
There will be instances where your child will have to deal with stress or setbacks — when your child is demoralised after losing a sports match or upset about faring poorer than expected on a class test, take that chance to talk to your child and support him or her through the period of “manageable stress”.
(You may be surprised, but children sometimes forget that their parents were once children and teens too, and that adults also faced challenges during their adolescent years.)
You can try to:
Over time, this will help your child realise how important resilience is and how it can be applied to various scenarios in his or her life.
Children look to parents for support and guidance, particularly when they are overwhelmed and scared. As much as parents naturally want to protect and buffer their children against pain and difficulties, it’s important to avoid overprotecting them. Instead, parents should act as role models and show their children how they would calmly cope with difficulties they face.
We hope for our children to be able to rise above the challenges they will face in life; whether in academic or non-academic arenas. Helping them build a strong sense of resilience from a young age can help them take on a problem-solving mentality rather than a helpless one. This will help them have the ability to pick themselves up when they falter and continue to strive for good progress.
All the best!
Resilience, Growth Mindset And Habits of Mind
One researcher who has emphasised the importance of positive student mindsets is Professor Carol Dweck.
Her much-lauded research emphasises how student mindsets, perceptions and attitudes can determine how well they perform academically in school and clearly points to the advantages of students having a growth mindset over a fixed mindset.
When your child has a growth mindset, he or she will be able to face challenges as well as accept and learn from failure, rather than seeing himself or herself as being unable to change or improve. Your child will believe that it is possible to overcome and improve from mistakes, and that challenge is part of learning.
“Habits of Mind”, developed by Arthur L Costa and Bena Kallick, outlines 16 key traits or behaviours that relate to intelligent problem-solving, involving features such as persisting, thinking flexibly, managing impulsivity, gathering data, imagining etc.
Developing these habits can help your child be mentally and emotionally prepared to face setbacks, giving him or her the ability to keep the momentum going, whether it is about completing a simple series of tasks or moving a bigger mountain. Having a sense of resilience towards current and potential obstacles (or even episodes of failure) can make the difference between empowering your child to achieve his or her dream or leaving it behind.
Helping your child make his or her dreams a reality is an ongoing process that requires your support and encouragement. It’s important to remember that resilience isn’t something your child can acquire in a day — it takes time and a concerted effort keep going.
Every dream your child has is a reflection of his or her personality, influences and passion — but of course, dreams do change. Helping your child keep an open mind about success and achieving his or her dreams is important. Pursuing a different goal or dream doesn’t mean your child is not resilient, and it’s important that your child understands this.